This past weekend, I was sitting outside enjoying the amazing sun and warm weather we are finally getting in New England. I love the seasons changing but warmth and sun after a cold, dreary winter, is everything!
As I sat on the porch, taking in the sun, smelling the freshly cut grass and looking at the trees full of green leaves, I realized I was happy. Really truly happy.
The feeling hit me. I laughed and recognized it was the first time since having my second child that I was really happy. And then I realized, just like that, my suffering was ending. My postpartum depression has been lifted….it’s over!
Almost 2 years later, I was still suffering through postpartum. I suffered and struggled mostly on my own. I mentioned it here and there on this blog and to some of my close family members but it was always a brush over. Never getting into the details, to my real feelings and emotions as I, like so many other women, was ashamed to have these sad feelings.
I mean, how could I possibly be depressed?
I was so happy to find out I was pregnant with my second child. I was so happy to give Holden a brother. My pregnancy, although very different from my first and not in a good way, was uneventful. My labor was uneventful. I had been blessed to have 2 beautiful healthy baby boys, an amazing husband and a life that I had always envisioned.
But it didn’t matter…I had postpartum depression that was slightly diagnosed (I think it was mentioned in one of my therapy appoints that I could have it). Like everyone needing a different workout plan or nutrition plan, postpartum isn’t one size fits all. I wasn’t wanting to cause harm to myself or my baby. Instead, I just didn’t want to participate in life (if you know me, you know I live for social events, time with friends, etc).
I’d force myself at times to do social things. But instead of being in the heart of the fun, I’d stand in the background, keep quiet, and/or distract myself. More often than not though I’d decline social events. I didn’t want anyone around me or me around anyone. I felt worthless, like a failure and honestly, I really didn’t like myself. So, why would I put anyone else through that?
I tried to distract myself as much as possible to not deal with what was going on with me, especially earlier this year. I felt like this year, I should be over it…he’s almost 2. But I wasn’t. I was doing better but I definitely still wasn’t myself.
It wasn’t until my health started to suffer that I knew I had to do something to feel better. At the time I didn’t know it would help me emotionally too. I finally made an appointment to deal with my health issues and resistance to weight loss.
Once I physically started feeling better, it was like a haze had been lifted. I could start dealing with the emotional part of it, realizing I did in fact have postpartum. In pushing my feelings away, I truly believe is why these other health/weight loss resistant aliments occurred.
So back to sitting on the porch and feeling the postpartum depression was over. What I also felt was although it’s over, there is a lot to rebuild. I withdrew from everyone in my life. Maybe it was for the best, maybe those friendships/relationships will be stronger now. Or maybe they were meant to be looked at from afar to figure out if they were working for me.
I have changed…that’s what happens when you become a mom. For me, all I want is to be surrounded by strong, positive people who love me, accept me, do not judge me, and love every flaw I have.
My postpartum was mild but it existed. It was a struggle, I did suffer and I’m not ashamed anymore…it’s part of the journey. It may have sucked going through it, but I can truly say, it was worth it to see the woman who has come out of it on the other side.
If you are suffering from postpartum, you are not alone. Just know there is NOTHING wrong with you. You ARE amazing and will pull through it. Reach out for help, do what feels right for you.
Till next time…..sparkle on!